A Processional

Tonight the thoughts won't let me ignore them.  Tonight the words demand to be written, the feelings demand to be felt, the thoughts demand to be heard.

I've never been good at handling my emotions.  It turns out I only have two settings concerning emotions- Feel EVERYTHING deeply, or Feel NOTHING at all. I recognize that's not healthy.  I'm working on it.

When I left Malawi, There was too much to just feel nothing, but I also didn't have the capacity to handle everything.  So I stuffed a lot of things away somewhere and planned to come back to them when I was in a slightly less terrible state of mind. I do understand that processing is important, and I really did intend to come back and work through some things.  But my state of mind took a real long time to stabilize (as in, it still hasn't) and free time lasted too long and then not long enough, and...well, I still haven't found all those things I stuffed away.  Sometimes they find me.

This week, they're everywhere.  Emotions popping up out of nowhere, with a ferocity I am not accustomed to. One I do not appreciate.  (ha)  

This week, I'm hurting.  And I don't know how to process it all.  And some things I don't have the liberty of sharing. But tonight, I'm processing.  Just a little.

So tonight, I choose to feel. Tonight, I hurt.

I hurt for a friend who lost a job, a friend, and nearly her daughter.

I hurt for a mother whose son was shot and killed by a Ferguson police officer.

I hurt for the family of a Ferguson police officer whose life was destroyed by his work.

I hurt for a community who sees no hope.

I hurt for friends whose newly adopted child cannot yet love them.

I hurt for a child who has been without a family for so long.

I hurt for the woman who wants friends so desperately she chases them all away.

I hurt for the wife and 5 children of a man who was killed for illegally selling cigarettes.

I hurt for a nation who is at a loss.

I hurt because texts between continents cannot adequately express love.

I hurt because my dearest friends are spread between continents and countries and states.

I hurt because hurting is okay.  Because Jesus also hurts.  Because he is near to the brokenhearted. Because so many others around the world are hurting.  Because children are hungry and orphaned. Because mothers cannot support their children.  Because fathers don't know how to father.  Because families are broken, and nations are divided.  Because the color of a man's skin is still more weighty than his character. Because people are mean. Because hearts are dark. Because we are fallen.

Tonight on my way home, I saw Christmas lights.  And I was reminded that even though it doesn't look a lot like Christmas in my heart right now, Christmas has come. A Saviour is born.  God with us. Immanuel.

So tonight, I hope.

Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus!

born to set thy people free

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee. 

Israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.