Oh, wretched man that I am

I was reading this book called Bruchko with my 9th graders. It's a fantastic read. I highly recommend it. Not very literary, but very spiritually enriching.
So I was reading this book and we were talking in class about the part of the book where Bruce, missionary to a "stone age" South American people group who had never spent any significant amount of time with an outsider without killing them.  Pretty intense stuff.

Bruce is a really super guy, and he spends a lot of time with these people, even after they try to kill him. So after he's been there for a year or so and has learned the language, he starts searching for a way to introduce the gospel. He knows it can't be something that happens in his own timing, so he's really patient. Eventually God opens a door through an old prophecy and an old tradition in their culture, and he's able to tell these 4 guys the story of Jesus. They've never heard of this, and they are absolutely THRILLED beyond belief when they find that God became a man so that they could learn to walk in His path. They wanna know where to find Him so they can follow Him. So Bruce tells them.

"You killed him."
They panic.
"He was buried."
They despair.

All hope is lost. The light at the end of the tunnel is eclipsed. The possibility of being found is gone.
They weep.

Now, because Bruce is a good guy He explains that Jesus was resurrected and that's proof that He's God, and we can still learn to walk in His path. Things end well for the Motilone people, though the process is a long and painful one full of suffering and loss. It ends in hope and life and love.

But I was captivated by this story. I am moved each time I think of it.  It keeps coming back to mind. I can't stop imagining the hopelessness they felt at hearing Bruce's simple statement.
I'm frustrated this week with the essential sin nature of us despicable humans.  We're miserably sinful from top to bottom, inside, out. I've seen so much jealousy and apathy and gossip and slander and vengefulness and selfishness. And I see it all in myself, too. It's just been a long week of feeling like I'm only seeing the worst of people, and it's only bringing out the worst in me.  And I just wanna echo Paul's despairing cry, "O, wretched man that I am!"  Who will save me? Who can rescue me? Who is my deliverer?
I killed Him.
What have I done?

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!! He has made a way!! There is hope, there is peace, there is love, there is rest, there is assurance, there is life. He has found me.
I'm no longer a slave. This body of death has been ripped away, and new life has begun.

Thanks be to God.
He has made a way.
Sin is conquered.
I'm not a slave to this.
I am free.
I am His. He is mine.

Thanks be to God. 

Life...and other mysteries

     I attempt to keep things new and exciting here on the blog, but I have to admit- life is seeming pretty normal these days. It's actually pretty nice. It was a joy to come back to such great friends who love us and support us. School has been pretty normal. If you hadn't heard, I'm teaching 8th-11th grade English, as well as a journalism/newspaper elective. It's a busier year in a lot of ways, but having a year of experience gives me a world of an advantage over last year. I'm enjoying things so far, though I seem to be perpetually behind. I'm told that's pretty much how life works as a teacher. Always something else to do- more to grade, more to prepare. I do feel better prepared though, and I feel like I'm doing a better job in terms of teaching the material I'm supposed to cover this year. On the other hand, I am struggling to find balance- though I want to be a good English teacher, I want just as much to be a great mentor and spiritual influence in my students' lives. Our headmaster pointed out recently that sometimes all we need to do is ASK God to make us a good teacher. That's something I've been working on and thinking about and praying about. I really want to be a good teacher, and I realize that even in something that seems so dependent on me, I am wholly dependent on Christ.
     I've been struggling a lot lately with independence. I really want to be independent. I really want to be worthy. I really want to be a self-made wonder woman. I'm not really sure where this craziness is coming from. I don't know why I feel this need. I'm still working through it. I think typing it here, letting you (whoever you may be) see it, helps me understand it more. I've been trying so hard to be good enough. I'm not sure who I'm trying to impress- I think only myself.  I don't want to be needy. I know I am, but for some reason that makes me feel bad. I do want to be liked. I want to be valued; I want to be loved. I want to be happy. I want to feel fulfilled.
     I realize this is idiotic. I realize I'm helpless. But something in me is still fighting it with all I'm worth. Why can't I be the perfect teacher and the perfect friend and the perfect girlfriend (a real challenge, since I'm single), the perfect friend, the perfect Christian, the perfect employee, the perfect missionary...and I want to do it alone. I don't want help, I don't want weakness, I don't want pain...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
   
Even when I don't want it to be...
That's grace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl219pH6Tpw