I read this wonderful lady's blog on how it's okay to say no, (she wrote it a year ago, but somehow I stumbled upon it today) and it brought me back to a question I've mulled over for the past 6 years or so. See, I know it's okay to say no. I'm actually pretty good at saying no. I'm even better at telling other people to say no. But in a Southern society that is really really good at shaming you while smiling and pretending they're concerned, I'm constantly battling to balance the "just say no" and the "make people happy" battles raging within me.
So here's my question for you: Is it REALLY okay to say no? And if so, why do I feel so much judgement when I do?
I'm gonna give you a couple scenarios to help explain what I mean.
1. When I first came back from Malawi, I wasn't attending a Sunday School class, because I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, social event, depth, etc. But when people asked if I wanted to come to Sunday School with them and I said "No," I was often met with some very confused and offended people. Even though I tried very hard to say no politely.
2. I agreed to teach a class that I didn't really want to teach, because there was no one else to do it. Now that I'm attending a different church, and another capable leader has stepped in, I'd like to relinquish those responsibilities and serve at the church I'm attending in ways that suit my personality/gifts better. I'll admit that I haven't had the chance to sit down and explain this entire situation to everyone involved, but when I mention leaving, the response is all about guilt and shame.
3. I'm invited to a church-related party. I'd rather have a date night with my boyfriend. If I simply choose the more appealing option, is that okay?
4. I HATE how busy I stay on Sundays. If I don't attend church on Sunday nights, is that wrong? Is it okay to want time to myself or with my family or my significant other, instead of having another time of corporate worship? Is it okay to attend a mid-week Bible Study instead of Sunday night church?
5. Is it okay to say "No, I don't want to serve in that way" if I AM serving in other needed ways?
6. Is it okay that I don't really have high ambitions for my life? Okay, this is a little unrelated. But it does involve saying no. Because people always want to know if I want to move up in my job, take on more responsibilities, become more important, etc. What if I don't? What if I really do just want the job that involves answering phones? Who are you to tell me that's unambitious? Who are you to tell me I should want more? Why should I be ashamed of my current lack of work-related ambitions, when I have high ambitions for my relationships, spiritual life, etc?
Is it okay to say "no" even if it's church? Even if it's good stuff happening? When presented with two options, is it okay to choose the one that makes ME happy, rather than the one I know I'll be shamed for if I skip? Do I have to explain these choices? Is it okay to remain misunderstood? Is it okay to know people are going to be upset and do nothing about it? Where are the lines in saying "no"?
I want input on this. Seriously. Discuss, please. Give me thoughts and answers. Argue with me. Agree with me. Shame me so I can use you as an example! ;) Just kidding.
So here's my question for you: Is it REALLY okay to say no? And if so, why do I feel so much judgement when I do?
I'm gonna give you a couple scenarios to help explain what I mean.
1. When I first came back from Malawi, I wasn't attending a Sunday School class, because I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, social event, depth, etc. But when people asked if I wanted to come to Sunday School with them and I said "No," I was often met with some very confused and offended people. Even though I tried very hard to say no politely.
2. I agreed to teach a class that I didn't really want to teach, because there was no one else to do it. Now that I'm attending a different church, and another capable leader has stepped in, I'd like to relinquish those responsibilities and serve at the church I'm attending in ways that suit my personality/gifts better. I'll admit that I haven't had the chance to sit down and explain this entire situation to everyone involved, but when I mention leaving, the response is all about guilt and shame.
3. I'm invited to a church-related party. I'd rather have a date night with my boyfriend. If I simply choose the more appealing option, is that okay?
4. I HATE how busy I stay on Sundays. If I don't attend church on Sunday nights, is that wrong? Is it okay to want time to myself or with my family or my significant other, instead of having another time of corporate worship? Is it okay to attend a mid-week Bible Study instead of Sunday night church?
5. Is it okay to say "No, I don't want to serve in that way" if I AM serving in other needed ways?
6. Is it okay that I don't really have high ambitions for my life? Okay, this is a little unrelated. But it does involve saying no. Because people always want to know if I want to move up in my job, take on more responsibilities, become more important, etc. What if I don't? What if I really do just want the job that involves answering phones? Who are you to tell me that's unambitious? Who are you to tell me I should want more? Why should I be ashamed of my current lack of work-related ambitions, when I have high ambitions for my relationships, spiritual life, etc?
Is it okay to say "no" even if it's church? Even if it's good stuff happening? When presented with two options, is it okay to choose the one that makes ME happy, rather than the one I know I'll be shamed for if I skip? Do I have to explain these choices? Is it okay to remain misunderstood? Is it okay to know people are going to be upset and do nothing about it? Where are the lines in saying "no"?
I want input on this. Seriously. Discuss, please. Give me thoughts and answers. Argue with me. Agree with me. Shame me so I can use you as an example! ;) Just kidding.
While there are many situations where saying "no" could be a warning of selfishness, or laziness, or drifting away from God, or even drifting towards the world, (which always leads to drifting away from God; I do not believe that any of these examples are that kind of situation. God has made every human being VERY different. We have different strengths and weaknesses, as well as different needs and gifts. You need to do what fits with who God created you to be. I guarantee, He has fitted someone else to do things to which you say "no".
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply, Chris. Hope your first day back went well!
DeleteI struggle with this very thing. Usually I find it moat difficult to say no when I know there is an expectation of me. Example: I took an internship at my church because the leaders were expecting me to. Now, it wasn't that simple. I did pray about it. and I met with the pastor who would be over me. We talked a lot about my personality and passions and how Iwould fit into the internship. After this conversation I was excited and felt that the internship was a good thing. However, I am not doing any of the things we talked about. I don't feel like I'm getting anything out of this, or giving much into it. My job description has become busy work as they are grasping to give me some sort of task. And I just continue to do the busy work...because it is what is expected of me. Because there is a real fear that if I spoke up about what I really want to be doing, if I told them no- that makes me a failure because I could't meet their expectations.
ReplyDeleteYesterday after church, I spoke with a friend about this briefly. He encouraged me to sit down with the pastor and be honest about how I'm feeling. (Also a struggle for me, rooted in the same mess of meeting expectations). I'm still afraid that no matter how nicely I try to put my frustrations, it will still sound like a selfish no. There is a need I'm supposed to fill, and as the intern do I have the right to say "I don't think this is effective."?
I don't quite know where that line is between being obedient and taking care of one's self. I guess the question is who are we obedient to? And I also believe that some people will still be judgemental, even with the best explanation that you are being obedient to Christ. Some just won't understand when how you are being obedient when the things you say no to are good things.
Great questions! I too am from the south, so I can relate. One of the first things that comes to my mind is that your spiritual journey is about your relationship with Jesus - not the ministries or good works you do. I think in each case if you talk to your Friend who sticks closer than a brother, He will guide you to the right decision. Because your obligation is to please God, not other people. And guilt/shame do not come from God -ever. He will convict us of things by His Holy Spirit when necessary, but never by shaming us. All those things you talked about are good things, but even if you are "available," that does not mean God is calling you to do any of it. In addition, God calls all of us to rest. That's part of His good plan for our lives. The Bible talks about being ready in and out of season, implying that there are times when we will be "out of season." And yes, I think it is okay to skip church every once in a while. People may gasp at that, but I bet we have all done it at one time or another. As long as you are not neglecting the fellowship of the believers on a regular basis and it does not become a habit. In short, God does not call us to do every good thing, to be legalistically religious, or to never have seasons of rest. And He never condones a spirit of shame or guilt. Here's to you... figuring out how to live in the freedom of Christ!
ReplyDeleteOk, There are SO many things to post about the multiple points you made. I'm going to address a few of them and the "things" I think about them. FIRST, did you read the post that Sam McDonald posted? It was about missionaries coming back to the States. It answers a lot of the things you are feeling. One of the big things that stuck out to me that you posted was your inferiority complex. I forgot how we are in the States about being "just a secretary." Remember in Malawi, when someone would tell you they got a new position and it's a clerk, or a house cleaner? They're employed! THat's all that matters. WE forget, in the States, that a job is a job. You must work to your potential, as Christ calls us to, to put bread on your table. It is ok that you don't want to do anything else. That's the world, the south, the "American" in us saying "that's not good enough." I've noticed this a lot since coming back. I work in an emergency room and i see A LOT of people from all kinds of walks of life. From the entitlement to the meer meanness of people is what has made me contemplate our attitudes of Americans. I'm saying Americans because, obviously, we fit into this too. When you tell people "no" they try to "guilt" of "bully" you into saying yes. They don't want you to say no. They have an agenda and want you to fix it. They have a "problem" and want you to take it. They have a burden and want you to fill it. You see it in all kinds of levels. The problem for us southerners is it's seen as impolite if we say no, which is something we can't stand. We can't stand for someone not to like us or for someone to think ill of us or that we're unworthy, unwilling, or unhelpful. The truth is, you can only be who you are. If you honestly don't feel Christ calling you to do that don't do it. And WHO CARES if someone speaks ill of you or thinks poor of you. I came to this conclusion while at work one day. I have people that keep saying, "wow I bet you grew and learned so much while you were in Malawi." And the truth is, I did. I was on my own and had to make medical decisions without someone to bounce ideas off. So, in one hand people are complimenting me, and the next they're gossiping about me how "i'm not smart enough and have declined in my emergency knowledge" but being in Malawi for 3 years. Guess what, I don't care that you think that. I know what I know and i've grown in more ways than they can ever perceive. I'm more intuitive, I'm more inquisitive of doctors and nurses, and I refuse to have my time wasted by people. This includes coworkers and patients and their families. So, to wrap up THIS part of the discussion, turn to CHrist. YOu know how when you were in Sunday School as a kid that the teacher said to ask God about EVERYTHING. I'm doing that, and finding his guidance more and more. I'm finding Him saying, "be still, be still, be patient and be still," because I'm trying to fulfill and accomplish and do for unknown reasons. Am I doing this because I want to, I think I need to, or in obligation for something? Those have helped me since returning to the States. Thoughts?
ReplyDeleteI love Malawi and I love the lessons it taught me. I love the relaxed, laid back, practical, yet so very impractical mindset it gave me. I'm sure a lot of these questions and insecurities do arise out of the fact that I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate the "adult" world in America. Lots of people have given great advice, and I especially appreciate hearing from someone with some of the same recent culture shock I've experienced. I think that last question you're asking is key- Is it a want, a need, or an obligation? If it's an obligation, I can probably drop it. If it's a need or a want, then it deserves some consideration. Obviously God has to be involved in the decision-making about the big things (and the little things, yes) but the concept of breaking it down to "what's my motivation?" is helpful in the everyday matters, such as am I going on a date or to that party in a few hours? I think I'll choose the date. ;)
DeleteListen, I don't know what everyone else has already said, but I really don't want to read all those comments so I'll just go with this.
ReplyDeleteI've learned a few lessons in the past year and a half that are somewhat related to your situation here, so i'll try and relay what I've got.
First thing's first, This is a matter of the heart, girlfriend. You've got to examine yourself and how you line up with God's word. Weather you do or don't, that's YOUR problem, not other people's. If they want to gripe about it, that sucks for you, but it's not your responsibility and what they think isn't your problem. (I mean, obviously, be nice. But that's all you can do. If you're doing your best, and doing what you are convicted is right/best/healthiest, then thumbs up to you! That's as far as you can go, because you are only responsible for you. After that, the way they respond just is what it is.)
Along with that, dealing with people dishing out the shame on you SUCKS. It can make you feel unaccepted, or inadequate. For me, it would definitely make me want to prove to them somehow that I'm NOT actually the dirt bag that they seem to think I am. I'd want to win or earn their approval back.
This brings me to my point: as hard and annoying as that is to deal with, their approval isn't what matters. Besides, they probably don't even understand. When I was first back in the U.S. people at my school tried to get me to join a bunch of difference sports teams or go to different youth groups and things of that nature, and for a while I kind of tired, (because I was concerned about what they would think of me), but then I just said "no," and stopped. For the same reason as you, I wasn't (and still am not, entirely) ready for the commitment of those things or the social interaction and what not. People didn't understand that and they thought I was kind of lame (or that's how it felt), and that made me mad, honestly. But I was doing what I felt was mentally the healthiest thing for me and what I wanted to do, which I was convinced was just fine, even though some people didn't agree entirely.
Basically, especially since a lot of the examples you gave concerned church, I'd say bring it up with God because He'll help you the most. Similarly, as I said, consider where you believe you are at. Do what is right and follow God; beware of being bitter at these people or taking a rebellious turn by kind of shutting church out. Make sure God stays a priority, of course, but don't feel obligated to make everyone happy and do freaking everything. In the right context, doing something for you, choosing the more enjoyable option or just having fun is perfectly fine and even healthy! It's up to you to decide what the "right context" is. It's not up to other people. They don't know your heart. So... forget them :P , but, you know, love your enemies.
lastly I will remind you that you don't have to feel ashamed. Just don't! you own no shame. Jesus took your guilt and shame and separated it from you as far as the East is from the West, so it is no longer yours. Just claim your identity in Christ and role with it.
Hopefully I said something that someone else hasn't already said... O.O
Have fun with that.
Congrats on actually getting feedback. That's legitimate.
And congrats on the BF ;) didn't know that was going on.
You're so wise, and I just love you. Miss you, dear friend. Thanks for sharing your heart with me. :)
DeleteYes. To all your questions...yes. Isn't it interesting that an affirmative answer can be given on a post all about the negative. It's refreshing. Freeing. Abundant. and isn't that exactly what He wants for us?
ReplyDeletelet's catch up soon, friend. thankful for you!