I read this wonderful lady's blog on how it's okay to say no, (she wrote it a year ago, but somehow I stumbled upon it today) and it brought me back to a question I've mulled over for the past 6 years or so. See, I know it's okay to say no. I'm actually pretty good at saying no. I'm even better at telling other people to say no. But in a Southern society that is really really good at shaming you while smiling and pretending they're concerned, I'm constantly battling to balance the "just say no" and the "make people happy" battles raging within me.
So here's my question for you: Is it REALLY okay to say no? And if so, why do I feel so much judgement when I do?
I'm gonna give you a couple scenarios to help explain what I mean.
1. When I first came back from Malawi, I wasn't attending a Sunday School class, because I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, social event, depth, etc. But when people asked if I wanted to come to Sunday School with them and I said "No," I was often met with some very confused and offended people. Even though I tried very hard to say no politely.
2. I agreed to teach a class that I didn't really want to teach, because there was no one else to do it. Now that I'm attending a different church, and another capable leader has stepped in, I'd like to relinquish those responsibilities and serve at the church I'm attending in ways that suit my personality/gifts better. I'll admit that I haven't had the chance to sit down and explain this entire situation to everyone involved, but when I mention leaving, the response is all about guilt and shame.
3. I'm invited to a church-related party. I'd rather have a date night with my boyfriend. If I simply choose the more appealing option, is that okay?
4. I HATE how busy I stay on Sundays. If I don't attend church on Sunday nights, is that wrong? Is it okay to want time to myself or with my family or my significant other, instead of having another time of corporate worship? Is it okay to attend a mid-week Bible Study instead of Sunday night church?
5. Is it okay to say "No, I don't want to serve in that way" if I AM serving in other needed ways?
6. Is it okay that I don't really have high ambitions for my life? Okay, this is a little unrelated. But it does involve saying no. Because people always want to know if I want to move up in my job, take on more responsibilities, become more important, etc. What if I don't? What if I really do just want the job that involves answering phones? Who are you to tell me that's unambitious? Who are you to tell me I should want more? Why should I be ashamed of my current lack of work-related ambitions, when I have high ambitions for my relationships, spiritual life, etc?
Is it okay to say "no" even if it's church? Even if it's good stuff happening? When presented with two options, is it okay to choose the one that makes ME happy, rather than the one I know I'll be shamed for if I skip? Do I have to explain these choices? Is it okay to remain misunderstood? Is it okay to know people are going to be upset and do nothing about it? Where are the lines in saying "no"?
I want input on this. Seriously. Discuss, please. Give me thoughts and answers. Argue with me. Agree with me. Shame me so I can use you as an example! ;) Just kidding.
So here's my question for you: Is it REALLY okay to say no? And if so, why do I feel so much judgement when I do?
I'm gonna give you a couple scenarios to help explain what I mean.
1. When I first came back from Malawi, I wasn't attending a Sunday School class, because I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, social event, depth, etc. But when people asked if I wanted to come to Sunday School with them and I said "No," I was often met with some very confused and offended people. Even though I tried very hard to say no politely.
2. I agreed to teach a class that I didn't really want to teach, because there was no one else to do it. Now that I'm attending a different church, and another capable leader has stepped in, I'd like to relinquish those responsibilities and serve at the church I'm attending in ways that suit my personality/gifts better. I'll admit that I haven't had the chance to sit down and explain this entire situation to everyone involved, but when I mention leaving, the response is all about guilt and shame.
3. I'm invited to a church-related party. I'd rather have a date night with my boyfriend. If I simply choose the more appealing option, is that okay?
4. I HATE how busy I stay on Sundays. If I don't attend church on Sunday nights, is that wrong? Is it okay to want time to myself or with my family or my significant other, instead of having another time of corporate worship? Is it okay to attend a mid-week Bible Study instead of Sunday night church?
5. Is it okay to say "No, I don't want to serve in that way" if I AM serving in other needed ways?
6. Is it okay that I don't really have high ambitions for my life? Okay, this is a little unrelated. But it does involve saying no. Because people always want to know if I want to move up in my job, take on more responsibilities, become more important, etc. What if I don't? What if I really do just want the job that involves answering phones? Who are you to tell me that's unambitious? Who are you to tell me I should want more? Why should I be ashamed of my current lack of work-related ambitions, when I have high ambitions for my relationships, spiritual life, etc?
Is it okay to say "no" even if it's church? Even if it's good stuff happening? When presented with two options, is it okay to choose the one that makes ME happy, rather than the one I know I'll be shamed for if I skip? Do I have to explain these choices? Is it okay to remain misunderstood? Is it okay to know people are going to be upset and do nothing about it? Where are the lines in saying "no"?
I want input on this. Seriously. Discuss, please. Give me thoughts and answers. Argue with me. Agree with me. Shame me so I can use you as an example! ;) Just kidding.
