RomCom Problems

So there's this guy...
How many conversations in my life have started like that!
Don't get all excited, all of you matchmakers out there. This isn't Allison's confession of undying love for someone. It's not even a confession of a crush.  Sorry to disappoint.
But I've been thinking, and I think the Romantic Comedy genre has really ruined us girls. The guys in the movies are always so perfect, ya know? But I'm ahead of myself...

So let me describe to you what I mean.  Here's a scenario I (and I'm sure many others of you out there) have found yourself in. (Or maybe it's just me...)  Ya meet this cute guy, and a few weeks later, discover he does indeed love Jesus. A good start, right?  So ya get to know him a little better (easily done at college), and a fun little crush begins to develop.  Some time goes by, and you start to suspect he's a little interested too.  You know him pretty well now- you've been around him a good bit, seen him in different environments, and perhaps even had some one-on-one time.  Of course you've gotta share the spark with your friends, and you start thinking the whole thing over in your head.  As girls, our minds jump to a marriage and family place. (I'm rolling my eyes at how ridiculous we can be.  Just know that.)  And so begins the debate.

You've been heard your whole life things like, "Don't settle. He must love Jesus more than anything else ever, and he better treat you like the perfect little princess you are.  Make sure he'll be a good daddy, and if you ever see his eyes wandering, run away fast.  How does he treat his mother? Have you ever heard him say anything inappropriate?  Does he make you laugh? Make sure he fights fair.  How many girls has he dated?" etc etc etc etc etc.

So you start thinking through all these things.  Well, he's smart, he's cute, he loves Jesus a lot.  He cares about missions. He has some family problems, maybe.  Does that mean he's gonna be a bad dad?  What if his dad's crazy? That's bad news, right?  Well...that's the first negative. Let's keep going. He treats you really well. Maybe he forgets to open the door here and there, but he is very protective. You've never seen wandering eyes, but you know he thinks Beyonce's hot. Is that okay?  And he told you about when he used to mess around with porn. That's not great, hm...? But I mean, don't most guys struggle with that?  Well, I've heard him make some slightly inappropriate jokes with the guys. Uh oh...Maybe this isn't looking so great.  He always makes me laugh, always makes me smile....He doesn't bring me flowers when we fight. He doesn't come up with some cute song or poem for me every time I'm sad.  But he values my happiness.  He makes sacrifices for me.

And so it begins...the struggle...
Is he good enough?  Is he not good enough?
What if...
He's not always romantic. He sometimes forgets to text me back.  He doesn't tell me all day every day how beautiful I am. Sometimes he says the wrong thing at the wrong time.  Sometimes he's awkward.  Sometimes he wears this ugly shirt.  Sometimes he doesn't get my jokes.  Sometimes he gets unnecessarily jealous.  Sometimes he isn't Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail" or even Mr. Darcy. Sometimes he isn't perfect.

And at this rate, no guy is ever gonna be good enough.

Now, I understand that my daddy insists the previous statement is true.  And I'm not saying at all that we girls should "settle."  Whatever that means.

I'm just saying...well...I'm not perfect. Sometimes I'm controlling. Sometimes I'm rude. Sometimes I'm mean.  Sometimes I'm ridiculously jealous. Sometimes I'm needy.  I struggle with habitual sins. I pretend to get jokes that are over my head. Sometimes I'm obnoxiously nosy.  Sometimes I am selfish and conceited and unkind and sometimes my love for Jesus isn't nearly as passionate as it should be and sometimes I wonder if it's even safe for me to have kids, seeing as how all I can cook them is mac and cheese, pancakes, and spaghetti!  I legitimately question things like, "what if I get tired of my children?".

So...
Here's to you, imperfect someone.  The guy out there who will put up with my ridiculousness.  The man who loves Jesus and still regularly screws up.  Hope you're okay with "settling" for less than perfect.  Hope you've made a few mistakes, because I sure have.  Hope you aren't Tom Hanks, cause I'm no Meg Ryan.  Hope we get our happily ever after, with tons of problems to work through, and lots of fighting, fair or unfair.  Hope Christ's love will get us through it all, and bring joy and laughter and a lifetime of imperfect learning together. 

Honesty

I have a confession.

Last night, I laid in my bed and (in my head) yelled out all my complaints to God. I screamed at Him. I told him I wasn't okay with all the things going on in my life lately. I cried and complained and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I told him how angry I was that things weren't going my way and how scared I was to give Him control. (I realize the idea that I have to "give" God control is silly, but sometimes emotions make us a little illogical.)

I fell asleep angry and begging for rest.

I woke up rested.

If you read Jon Acuff's blog today, this will sound like a rip-off, but I swear I was thinking it already. But sometimes I feel like I have to be so...proper? with Jesus.  I feel like I should pray politically correctly. I spent a lot of time trying to say things so God won't be angry with me or think I'm rude and ungrateful. (Newsflash: I am! But that's kinda beside the point.)  I'm really good with language. I use words to make me look good, to get what I want, to work situations out to my benefit... and sometimes I think that process will work with Jesus. If I just say things in the right way, He won't get mad at me. He'll like my prayers more. He'll like ME more!
Again, I realize this is stupid, but... I bet you do it too. Or maybe you don't.

Last night all reserves were gone. Last night I quit trying to impress God.  Last night raw emotions took over.  I'm not saying that yelling at God is a good idea. He reminded me of that whole conversation he had with Job about how I wasn't around when he formed the earth and so what right had I to accuse Him of making me miserable?

I feel like this is a really big step for me though. I've never been quite so honest with God. But I like this. I love realizing that I can tell Him anything. I mean, I knew that before...but...now I KNOW it. I've experienced it. I feel it.

I'm rambling. But I needed someone to know.
Progress is happening. Jesus still loves me. I still love Him. And I'm honest with Him now. And He's giving me rest, despite my idiocy.
That's amazing. That's grace. That's my Jesus.

I can't get no...

"I can tell you're pretty restless," he said to me, from the other side of the world. "I hate that for you."

"I think it's my own fault," I replied. "I could be satisfied if..."

And therein lies the problem. The "if".

I could be satisfied if only....
I were prettier?
I had a boyfriend?
I had more money?
I could make a trip home?
I had more friends?
my students worked harder?
my job were easier?
people were nicer?
there weren't so many rumors?
the power would stay on?
I could take a shower?
I didn't have to be up so early?
I could have a turkey sandwich?

I mean...what's it gonna be today? What conditions am I going to put on my obedience? What limitations will I put on His promises?  What additions will I require from my God who has already given all?

"Rejoice in the Lord, always! I'll say it again- Rejoice!"
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
"I came that (you) may have life, and have it more abundantly."


I'm an idiot for imagining that I could want anything more.
If I'm looking elsewhere, I'll never be satisfied. I'll never find what I'm looking for. I may sometimes settle for cheap imitations of satisfaction. I may be temporarily pleased with my new haircut or today's outfit or a new relationship or even something as simple as a turkey sandwich. But it's fake. It's flawed. I'm worshipping the gift and not the Giver.  Only He can bring me joy. Only He will ever satisfy me.
He is enough.
I am only satisfied in You, Jesus.