RomCom Problems

So there's this guy...
How many conversations in my life have started like that!
Don't get all excited, all of you matchmakers out there. This isn't Allison's confession of undying love for someone. It's not even a confession of a crush.  Sorry to disappoint.
But I've been thinking, and I think the Romantic Comedy genre has really ruined us girls. The guys in the movies are always so perfect, ya know? But I'm ahead of myself...

So let me describe to you what I mean.  Here's a scenario I (and I'm sure many others of you out there) have found yourself in. (Or maybe it's just me...)  Ya meet this cute guy, and a few weeks later, discover he does indeed love Jesus. A good start, right?  So ya get to know him a little better (easily done at college), and a fun little crush begins to develop.  Some time goes by, and you start to suspect he's a little interested too.  You know him pretty well now- you've been around him a good bit, seen him in different environments, and perhaps even had some one-on-one time.  Of course you've gotta share the spark with your friends, and you start thinking the whole thing over in your head.  As girls, our minds jump to a marriage and family place. (I'm rolling my eyes at how ridiculous we can be.  Just know that.)  And so begins the debate.

You've been heard your whole life things like, "Don't settle. He must love Jesus more than anything else ever, and he better treat you like the perfect little princess you are.  Make sure he'll be a good daddy, and if you ever see his eyes wandering, run away fast.  How does he treat his mother? Have you ever heard him say anything inappropriate?  Does he make you laugh? Make sure he fights fair.  How many girls has he dated?" etc etc etc etc etc.

So you start thinking through all these things.  Well, he's smart, he's cute, he loves Jesus a lot.  He cares about missions. He has some family problems, maybe.  Does that mean he's gonna be a bad dad?  What if his dad's crazy? That's bad news, right?  Well...that's the first negative. Let's keep going. He treats you really well. Maybe he forgets to open the door here and there, but he is very protective. You've never seen wandering eyes, but you know he thinks Beyonce's hot. Is that okay?  And he told you about when he used to mess around with porn. That's not great, hm...? But I mean, don't most guys struggle with that?  Well, I've heard him make some slightly inappropriate jokes with the guys. Uh oh...Maybe this isn't looking so great.  He always makes me laugh, always makes me smile....He doesn't bring me flowers when we fight. He doesn't come up with some cute song or poem for me every time I'm sad.  But he values my happiness.  He makes sacrifices for me.

And so it begins...the struggle...
Is he good enough?  Is he not good enough?
What if...
He's not always romantic. He sometimes forgets to text me back.  He doesn't tell me all day every day how beautiful I am. Sometimes he says the wrong thing at the wrong time.  Sometimes he's awkward.  Sometimes he wears this ugly shirt.  Sometimes he doesn't get my jokes.  Sometimes he gets unnecessarily jealous.  Sometimes he isn't Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail" or even Mr. Darcy. Sometimes he isn't perfect.

And at this rate, no guy is ever gonna be good enough.

Now, I understand that my daddy insists the previous statement is true.  And I'm not saying at all that we girls should "settle."  Whatever that means.

I'm just saying...well...I'm not perfect. Sometimes I'm controlling. Sometimes I'm rude. Sometimes I'm mean.  Sometimes I'm ridiculously jealous. Sometimes I'm needy.  I struggle with habitual sins. I pretend to get jokes that are over my head. Sometimes I'm obnoxiously nosy.  Sometimes I am selfish and conceited and unkind and sometimes my love for Jesus isn't nearly as passionate as it should be and sometimes I wonder if it's even safe for me to have kids, seeing as how all I can cook them is mac and cheese, pancakes, and spaghetti!  I legitimately question things like, "what if I get tired of my children?".

So...
Here's to you, imperfect someone.  The guy out there who will put up with my ridiculousness.  The man who loves Jesus and still regularly screws up.  Hope you're okay with "settling" for less than perfect.  Hope you've made a few mistakes, because I sure have.  Hope you aren't Tom Hanks, cause I'm no Meg Ryan.  Hope we get our happily ever after, with tons of problems to work through, and lots of fighting, fair or unfair.  Hope Christ's love will get us through it all, and bring joy and laughter and a lifetime of imperfect learning together. 

Honesty

I have a confession.

Last night, I laid in my bed and (in my head) yelled out all my complaints to God. I screamed at Him. I told him I wasn't okay with all the things going on in my life lately. I cried and complained and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I told him how angry I was that things weren't going my way and how scared I was to give Him control. (I realize the idea that I have to "give" God control is silly, but sometimes emotions make us a little illogical.)

I fell asleep angry and begging for rest.

I woke up rested.

If you read Jon Acuff's blog today, this will sound like a rip-off, but I swear I was thinking it already. But sometimes I feel like I have to be so...proper? with Jesus.  I feel like I should pray politically correctly. I spent a lot of time trying to say things so God won't be angry with me or think I'm rude and ungrateful. (Newsflash: I am! But that's kinda beside the point.)  I'm really good with language. I use words to make me look good, to get what I want, to work situations out to my benefit... and sometimes I think that process will work with Jesus. If I just say things in the right way, He won't get mad at me. He'll like my prayers more. He'll like ME more!
Again, I realize this is stupid, but... I bet you do it too. Or maybe you don't.

Last night all reserves were gone. Last night I quit trying to impress God.  Last night raw emotions took over.  I'm not saying that yelling at God is a good idea. He reminded me of that whole conversation he had with Job about how I wasn't around when he formed the earth and so what right had I to accuse Him of making me miserable?

I feel like this is a really big step for me though. I've never been quite so honest with God. But I like this. I love realizing that I can tell Him anything. I mean, I knew that before...but...now I KNOW it. I've experienced it. I feel it.

I'm rambling. But I needed someone to know.
Progress is happening. Jesus still loves me. I still love Him. And I'm honest with Him now. And He's giving me rest, despite my idiocy.
That's amazing. That's grace. That's my Jesus.

I can't get no...

"I can tell you're pretty restless," he said to me, from the other side of the world. "I hate that for you."

"I think it's my own fault," I replied. "I could be satisfied if..."

And therein lies the problem. The "if".

I could be satisfied if only....
I were prettier?
I had a boyfriend?
I had more money?
I could make a trip home?
I had more friends?
my students worked harder?
my job were easier?
people were nicer?
there weren't so many rumors?
the power would stay on?
I could take a shower?
I didn't have to be up so early?
I could have a turkey sandwich?

I mean...what's it gonna be today? What conditions am I going to put on my obedience? What limitations will I put on His promises?  What additions will I require from my God who has already given all?

"Rejoice in the Lord, always! I'll say it again- Rejoice!"
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
"I came that (you) may have life, and have it more abundantly."


I'm an idiot for imagining that I could want anything more.
If I'm looking elsewhere, I'll never be satisfied. I'll never find what I'm looking for. I may sometimes settle for cheap imitations of satisfaction. I may be temporarily pleased with my new haircut or today's outfit or a new relationship or even something as simple as a turkey sandwich. But it's fake. It's flawed. I'm worshipping the gift and not the Giver.  Only He can bring me joy. Only He will ever satisfy me.
He is enough.
I am only satisfied in You, Jesus.

Oh, wretched man that I am

I was reading this book called Bruchko with my 9th graders. It's a fantastic read. I highly recommend it. Not very literary, but very spiritually enriching.
So I was reading this book and we were talking in class about the part of the book where Bruce, missionary to a "stone age" South American people group who had never spent any significant amount of time with an outsider without killing them.  Pretty intense stuff.

Bruce is a really super guy, and he spends a lot of time with these people, even after they try to kill him. So after he's been there for a year or so and has learned the language, he starts searching for a way to introduce the gospel. He knows it can't be something that happens in his own timing, so he's really patient. Eventually God opens a door through an old prophecy and an old tradition in their culture, and he's able to tell these 4 guys the story of Jesus. They've never heard of this, and they are absolutely THRILLED beyond belief when they find that God became a man so that they could learn to walk in His path. They wanna know where to find Him so they can follow Him. So Bruce tells them.

"You killed him."
They panic.
"He was buried."
They despair.

All hope is lost. The light at the end of the tunnel is eclipsed. The possibility of being found is gone.
They weep.

Now, because Bruce is a good guy He explains that Jesus was resurrected and that's proof that He's God, and we can still learn to walk in His path. Things end well for the Motilone people, though the process is a long and painful one full of suffering and loss. It ends in hope and life and love.

But I was captivated by this story. I am moved each time I think of it.  It keeps coming back to mind. I can't stop imagining the hopelessness they felt at hearing Bruce's simple statement.
I'm frustrated this week with the essential sin nature of us despicable humans.  We're miserably sinful from top to bottom, inside, out. I've seen so much jealousy and apathy and gossip and slander and vengefulness and selfishness. And I see it all in myself, too. It's just been a long week of feeling like I'm only seeing the worst of people, and it's only bringing out the worst in me.  And I just wanna echo Paul's despairing cry, "O, wretched man that I am!"  Who will save me? Who can rescue me? Who is my deliverer?
I killed Him.
What have I done?

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!! He has made a way!! There is hope, there is peace, there is love, there is rest, there is assurance, there is life. He has found me.
I'm no longer a slave. This body of death has been ripped away, and new life has begun.

Thanks be to God.
He has made a way.
Sin is conquered.
I'm not a slave to this.
I am free.
I am His. He is mine.

Thanks be to God. 

Life...and other mysteries

     I attempt to keep things new and exciting here on the blog, but I have to admit- life is seeming pretty normal these days. It's actually pretty nice. It was a joy to come back to such great friends who love us and support us. School has been pretty normal. If you hadn't heard, I'm teaching 8th-11th grade English, as well as a journalism/newspaper elective. It's a busier year in a lot of ways, but having a year of experience gives me a world of an advantage over last year. I'm enjoying things so far, though I seem to be perpetually behind. I'm told that's pretty much how life works as a teacher. Always something else to do- more to grade, more to prepare. I do feel better prepared though, and I feel like I'm doing a better job in terms of teaching the material I'm supposed to cover this year. On the other hand, I am struggling to find balance- though I want to be a good English teacher, I want just as much to be a great mentor and spiritual influence in my students' lives. Our headmaster pointed out recently that sometimes all we need to do is ASK God to make us a good teacher. That's something I've been working on and thinking about and praying about. I really want to be a good teacher, and I realize that even in something that seems so dependent on me, I am wholly dependent on Christ.
     I've been struggling a lot lately with independence. I really want to be independent. I really want to be worthy. I really want to be a self-made wonder woman. I'm not really sure where this craziness is coming from. I don't know why I feel this need. I'm still working through it. I think typing it here, letting you (whoever you may be) see it, helps me understand it more. I've been trying so hard to be good enough. I'm not sure who I'm trying to impress- I think only myself.  I don't want to be needy. I know I am, but for some reason that makes me feel bad. I do want to be liked. I want to be valued; I want to be loved. I want to be happy. I want to feel fulfilled.
     I realize this is idiotic. I realize I'm helpless. But something in me is still fighting it with all I'm worth. Why can't I be the perfect teacher and the perfect friend and the perfect girlfriend (a real challenge, since I'm single), the perfect friend, the perfect Christian, the perfect employee, the perfect missionary...and I want to do it alone. I don't want help, I don't want weakness, I don't want pain...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
   
Even when I don't want it to be...
That's grace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl219pH6Tpw

there and back again...

Hi friends! It's been a while, I know. There's been a lot of fun stuff happening since I last posted- school ended, we moved, I went home, and then I came back!  My time in the States with my family was indescribably good, so I'm not even going to attempt to tell you about it. Suffice it to say that it was just what I needed. I love my family!  It was great to be around my church again, and the food...oh man...the food.

Anywho, a couple weeks ago I got on that giant plane (with John Legend, mind you) and hopped the giant pond back to this giant continent of people with giant hearts (metaphorically speaking).

It's been beautiful. It's been fun, it's been crazy, it's been tiring, it's been exciting. It's been different, so it's been hard.
I hate change. A lot. I knew when I left that things would be different when I came back. And I knew that about both homes- this one, and the one I've always known. And I knew that change in myself was also inevitable.
I'm different. I will forever be changed. My heart will forever be split between two places on this planet. Africa- Malawi- will always have a part of me.  Summer taught me that.  It seems silly. But the human experience is a strange one.  The already and the not yet...
And that's where I feel trapped.
Stuck somewhere between the already and the not yet... stuck in this place of constant change and confusion and chaos, where everything's spinning and I'm just trying to not get thrown off the merry-go-round (which isn't so merry after all.)
I know change is inevitable. I know I'll never be completely at home anywhere. I know the change that has occurred in me will forever leave me feeling a little lacking. I know that these feelings won't last. I know that this knowledge will last. I know that this post probably doesn't even make sense.
And I know I AM.
not i was. not i will be. not i may be. not i hope to be. not i used to be. not i sometimes might be.
I AM.
Oh, the relief that brings me.
An anchor...
Stability...
Home...
I AM.

An abbreviated reflection on my first year of teaching (with a not-so-hidden agenda)

Today, at 10 AM, I officially finished my first year as a teacher. Okay, sure, I still have to do a little tidying up in my classroom, and a little book counting, and a little reflective writing (in a formal setting, not on the old faithful blog), but I am done with the actual teaching parts. You know- grading, lecturing, telling my students lame jokes.

So today, I am here to tell you a few things, with the not-so-hidden agenda of convincing some wonderful person in the world to come and help me teach next year! So here's my list on why you should come be a teacher in Malawi, Africa at African Bible College Christian Academy. (Also can be read as things I've learned this year.)

1. You'd be serving Jesus as a missionary, fulfilling the Great Commission, stepping out on faith, answering the Call.  Yep, I'm pulling that one out first thing.  The God Card. But seriously- I can think of no better way to increase your faith, deepen your relationship with Christ, lessen your attachment to "stuff", and live radically. Not to mention the opportunity you'd have to impact students from all over the world. And that's just in the classroom and on campus. Getting outside the walls of ABC multiplies those opportunities for growth and impact exponentially.

2. You'd be teaching under the most awesome headmaster I know. Brian Carlisle is an incredible man of God whose judgment and wisdom I deeply admire and respect. And he's fun! I've learned from him and been encouraged by him in a number of ways, and look forward to spending more time with the Carlisle family next year. (Especially with the upcoming addition of baby Nathan!)

3. ABC has the greatest students ever. Seriously have never been around a group of more incredible teens. If I'm honest with you, I'll say that teaching is probably not my life-long calling. I didn't always look forward to getting up and going to school. But I ALWAYS am glad to see my students. Sure there are times it's less exciting than others- (i.e. a Sunday afternoon surprise visit to the Quad..."Miss O, why are you wearing pajamas?) but even then my kids bring a smile to my face.  They're incredible people who are willing to learn. They don't think their teachers are the least cool people on the planet. They are willing to be seen with me in public settings. They willingly give me hugs on the last day before a break. They rarely, if ever, talk back to me. And they've even improved their courtesy laughs when you tell cheesy teacher jokes.

4. Malawi is beautiful.  I've learned as much from this country and culture and people as I have from the "missions" experience. The country is gorgeous and the weather is practically perfect 90% of the year. The people are gracious and love to laugh and dance and sing and share their culture with us azungus. The language is quick and fun, the lifestyle is relaxed and free. It's an experience you (and I) can never forget. As much as I'm looking forward to being in the States for a visit, I know every night I'll long for the African sunset.  I'll miss the cool breeze that blows even on the hottest days.  I'll cry for the smiles and hugs and handshakes I'm leaving behind (because emotions are nothing to be scared of).

5. Obviously, the reason that I know will win you ALL over: You'll get to work alongside ME! Okay, okay...I realize that's not really that big of a deal. But I will tell you that there would be a whole community of people here who would be thrilled to see you come.  Scott Borders, our history teacher, is looking at teaching 5 classes, as well as being head teacher for the upper school next year.  I, Allison, who has not a teaching degree and twitches a little bit at the awkwardness of 12 and 13 year olds, am also at this point planning to teach 5 classes (7th through 11th grade) of English/Literature/Language Arts.  Though the possibility of combining a couple classes is being talked of, it's not a favorable option when I consider the students' best interest.

I'll soon be posting a blog list of things I've experienced this year that I never thought I would. It'll be great. It might convince you even more.
So whoever you are out there...say yes. And if God's not calling you to ABC, but you're realizing right about now that you need to say "yes" to something else He's asking of you- please do so. And if you KNOW someone who might read this and even think about saying yes, will you please please please please please send this to them? Please? Or if you even just want a little more information on this place or the positions available next year... Email me! Facebook me! Leave a comment! I'll find you.