Life...and other mysteries

     I attempt to keep things new and exciting here on the blog, but I have to admit- life is seeming pretty normal these days. It's actually pretty nice. It was a joy to come back to such great friends who love us and support us. School has been pretty normal. If you hadn't heard, I'm teaching 8th-11th grade English, as well as a journalism/newspaper elective. It's a busier year in a lot of ways, but having a year of experience gives me a world of an advantage over last year. I'm enjoying things so far, though I seem to be perpetually behind. I'm told that's pretty much how life works as a teacher. Always something else to do- more to grade, more to prepare. I do feel better prepared though, and I feel like I'm doing a better job in terms of teaching the material I'm supposed to cover this year. On the other hand, I am struggling to find balance- though I want to be a good English teacher, I want just as much to be a great mentor and spiritual influence in my students' lives. Our headmaster pointed out recently that sometimes all we need to do is ASK God to make us a good teacher. That's something I've been working on and thinking about and praying about. I really want to be a good teacher, and I realize that even in something that seems so dependent on me, I am wholly dependent on Christ.
     I've been struggling a lot lately with independence. I really want to be independent. I really want to be worthy. I really want to be a self-made wonder woman. I'm not really sure where this craziness is coming from. I don't know why I feel this need. I'm still working through it. I think typing it here, letting you (whoever you may be) see it, helps me understand it more. I've been trying so hard to be good enough. I'm not sure who I'm trying to impress- I think only myself.  I don't want to be needy. I know I am, but for some reason that makes me feel bad. I do want to be liked. I want to be valued; I want to be loved. I want to be happy. I want to feel fulfilled.
     I realize this is idiotic. I realize I'm helpless. But something in me is still fighting it with all I'm worth. Why can't I be the perfect teacher and the perfect friend and the perfect girlfriend (a real challenge, since I'm single), the perfect friend, the perfect Christian, the perfect employee, the perfect missionary...and I want to do it alone. I don't want help, I don't want weakness, I don't want pain...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
   
Even when I don't want it to be...
That's grace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl219pH6Tpw