There are a million things I could write about tonight. It's been a while, and in the short (read: VERY LONG) month since I last posted, so many things have happened. Christmas programs, dozens of graded papers, 3-4 days of airplanes and airports, months of planning coming to fruition in one big surprise, hugs, laughter, tears, hellos, goodbyes, and lots of turkey-eating.
My time home was a huge blessing, and a much-needed period of rest and escape. It came on the heels of a slight emotional breakdown, and ushered in a few more, but was truly a blessing. It's amazing how a change of scenery can offer a change of perspective. Sometimes we need to escape where we are to see our surroundings a little more clearly.
In the past month, I think I've started to come to grips with how much sacrifice has been involved in this whole journey. My heart has been divided between two homes, and two groups of people I love very much. And it seems easy to stand in the middle and hold on to both, but no matter how hard you try, the thick ties binding you to each extreme begin to slip from your grip. If you don't let go of one, perhaps you'll be stretched too far... Perhaps you'll never return to your normal, proportional, balanced self.
Every repetition of "just six more months" in the last 3 weeks heightened my awareness of the stretch. I felt it in every "we can't wait til your home for good." And though the well-meaning loved ones surely meant to comfort, my discomfort grew each time. A little more stretching...a little more distance between one half of me and the other. A little more of the irreversible change.
I started asking why. Why me, God? Don't you know I have this tendency? Don't you know this is more than I can handle? Why would you choose me for this journey? Why does it have to be so hard? Why is one home so easy and so comfortable, and the other so difficult, but so fantastically purposeful? Why are there 8 stupid hours between the two? Why is communication so tough? Why can't I be rich enough to make this whole thing easier? (Because, though money does not buy happiness, it sure does help if you wanna see or talk to someone on the other side of the world.)
Well, God didn't really give me an answer. But here I am. Thankful for this opportunity, slightly bitter at times that it isn't what I'd like it to be, and often hurting that whether my time here ends, or whether it continues, the stretching and longing and missing and distance will always be there. That's how you can pray for the missionaries you know. Their hearts will be torn in cruel ways- between the people and places God has called them to love, and the people and places they were born loving. And neither of the loved groups will fully understand until they've been called to the same journey. Someone will always feel hurt or left behind. And that is how I know this earth is not home. It just can't be. And I guess I'm glad.
So, six months til I will leave Lilongwe for Mississippi. I feel the clock ticking even as I type. I feel the questions that aren't yet answered about the future. Whether my return is "for good" I cannot say, though I highly doubt it. One thing I do know is that I won't be home for good until I've reached my eternal dwelling with Christ Jesus.
Then Jesus said to them, "If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me.
As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”
Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?
(Luke 14:25-28 ESV)
My time home was a huge blessing, and a much-needed period of rest and escape. It came on the heels of a slight emotional breakdown, and ushered in a few more, but was truly a blessing. It's amazing how a change of scenery can offer a change of perspective. Sometimes we need to escape where we are to see our surroundings a little more clearly.
In the past month, I think I've started to come to grips with how much sacrifice has been involved in this whole journey. My heart has been divided between two homes, and two groups of people I love very much. And it seems easy to stand in the middle and hold on to both, but no matter how hard you try, the thick ties binding you to each extreme begin to slip from your grip. If you don't let go of one, perhaps you'll be stretched too far... Perhaps you'll never return to your normal, proportional, balanced self.
Every repetition of "just six more months" in the last 3 weeks heightened my awareness of the stretch. I felt it in every "we can't wait til your home for good." And though the well-meaning loved ones surely meant to comfort, my discomfort grew each time. A little more stretching...a little more distance between one half of me and the other. A little more of the irreversible change.
I started asking why. Why me, God? Don't you know I have this tendency? Don't you know this is more than I can handle? Why would you choose me for this journey? Why does it have to be so hard? Why is one home so easy and so comfortable, and the other so difficult, but so fantastically purposeful? Why are there 8 stupid hours between the two? Why is communication so tough? Why can't I be rich enough to make this whole thing easier? (Because, though money does not buy happiness, it sure does help if you wanna see or talk to someone on the other side of the world.)
Well, God didn't really give me an answer. But here I am. Thankful for this opportunity, slightly bitter at times that it isn't what I'd like it to be, and often hurting that whether my time here ends, or whether it continues, the stretching and longing and missing and distance will always be there. That's how you can pray for the missionaries you know. Their hearts will be torn in cruel ways- between the people and places God has called them to love, and the people and places they were born loving. And neither of the loved groups will fully understand until they've been called to the same journey. Someone will always feel hurt or left behind. And that is how I know this earth is not home. It just can't be. And I guess I'm glad.
So, six months til I will leave Lilongwe for Mississippi. I feel the clock ticking even as I type. I feel the questions that aren't yet answered about the future. Whether my return is "for good" I cannot say, though I highly doubt it. One thing I do know is that I won't be home for good until I've reached my eternal dwelling with Christ Jesus.
Then Jesus said to them, "If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me.
As they were going along the road, someone said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Yet another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”
(Luke 9:57-62 ESV)
(Luke 14:25-28 ESV)
Thanks for reminding me that this world is not our home. Sorry that I didn't get to see you while you were here. Love and prayers, Ally Cat!
ReplyDeleteMrs. Lisa
Oh, girl, you bless my heart! Thank you for your willingness to serve and to share all that it means. This helps me pray for you and for others I know who are also serving in this way. Words well written... Grace & Peace!!
ReplyDeleteAlly, girl, you have no idea how incredibly important you are to so many people. The task that God has given you is surely huge, and causes you to step out on that wonderful faith that HE will lead you where HE wants you. I admire you greatly, and your humble heart lives and beats for God. Know that everything you do is for His glory and you may not see the completion of your work there, God has the plan, and He will get the glory and honor. Bless you my other daughter. Hugs, Momma J
ReplyDeleteAllyson: What a great job you did of putting difficult feelings and emotions into words!!! Yes, having our children serving far away and knowing what they experience, I know what you are saying. God has made you special for His special purposes. He will continue to lead you step by step and will hold your hand. You are in our prayers. We love you, Belinda & Tommy Murphy
ReplyDelete