all our fears are washed away

"When we see you, we find strength to face the day.  In your presence, all our fears are washed away."
I led our church in this refrain this morning.  Proclaimed it to the body of believers with which I worship.

Let me just say, the past week has involved a lot of chaos for me. My professional life (school) seems to be spinning out of control.  I won't give you details, but we started the year short staffed and are 5 upper school teachers shorter since then.  I feel overworked in every way, and feel like I haven't the ability to do my job well.  One week back from Christmas and I'm already feeling the weight of burn out.  I don't say this to ask for pity, though your prayers are greatly desired.  I would really love that.
The point, though, is that on Friday, I was pretty convinced I couldn't face the next week.  I was ready to be done with the stress and chaos and hard work that never seems to be quite enough.  And then, this morning...

When we see You, we find strength to face the day.

I mentioned earlier feeling incapable of doing my job well.  I've discovered recently that I elevate success to a much higher place than I thought.  There are some strange reasons for that, but of course it all hits back at pride, in a roundabout way. I am terrified of failing.  Realizing that this sounds terribly arrogant, I'll say I've never had much trouble with academics.  I'm good at school.  I AM an academic. I didn't ace all my classes in college, but I came out well.  Greek was a challenge I gave myself, and was one of the first times in my LIFE that I risked failure of my own accord.  I mean, I recall the risk and subsequent embarrassment of a senior piano recital (I am not a pianist)...but I didn't feel like I had much choice in that.  And for the record, I did try to back out.  I quit things when I realize I'm not gonna succeed.  When I don't do well on something, my identity is challenged a little.  Allison is good at stuff.  And when she's not good at stuff, she doesn't attempt that stuff.  Therefore, Allison (almost) always succeeds.  So when Allison fails, I have a hard time reconciling that with my view of myself.  Again, I realize how arrogant and hollow I sound.  This is me being vulnerable.  I've been terrified and my identity has been challenged in this whole teaching thing this year.  It's not easy.  And I don't always succeed in the ways I would like to.  And I don't know who I am. And that's terrifying.  So I want to quit.  And then, this morning...

In your presence all our fears are washed away.

Is it any wonder the next line of the song is "Hosanna!"?  It's an eruption of praise, of joy, of pure delight that God restores my dignity, tells me my failure is inevitable and his love is unchanging, removes my fear and confusion, identifies me with his Son, and gives me strength to face what's ahead.  Just enough for today, so that I'll continue to seek his face and to hunger for his presence.  It's the only way I can survive.

You are the God who saves us! Worthy of all our praises!  Hosanna!! Come have your way among us, we welcome you here, Lord Jesus!