Sunday, August 4

wait

Well, I haven't blogged in months.
Sometimes emotions are bigger than me.  Sometimes my capacity for handling them is insufficient, and writing, though it is often helpful, sometimes just hurts too much.
So there's your reason why.
A lot has happened, and perhaps I'll talk about all of it some day.  There are things I long to share with someone else, and things I'm still not ready to share.
I am intensely lonely at times.  Which drove me to buy a kitten, against the wishes of my parents.  I really do try to respect them- I realize they're supporting me completely right now in my state of unemployed unsettledness. But I needed someone...something... And along came Eliot.  That's her name today. I've been switching it out every few minutes/hours/days.  Tonight she's El, Ellie, Eliot. We'll see how it lasts.  I suppose ultimately her name, or lack thereof has been a bi-product of my inability to commit.
Another biproduct would the shortage of clothing in my closet.  Followed closely by how often I say "I don't know."
And this conversation:

"What are you up to these days, Allison?"
Nothing
"........Do you have a job yet?"
Nope. Still Searching.
"Oh, well...what do you want to do?
Anything that makes money...
"So, you'll be teaching, then?"
Guess I should've said, 'Anything that makes money and isn't teaching'
".........Oh.  You don't want to teach?"
I'm not certified to teach. (this is my attempt to not say "I HATE TEACHING" because people react poorly to that)
"Well...what about working as an assistant teacher? Or in a private school? Or tutoring? Or some other teaching-related job?"
Well, see...I really don't want to teach...at least not right now.
"Oh, I see.  So...what do you want to do?"
Anything that makes money....
"Well, what skills do you have?"
I'm an English major with 2 years of international experience
"Have you thought about teaching?"
*Explodes*

I attempt to keep the exploding part internal. But one day it's gonna come out.  Well, I guess that's what's currently happening.  Don't get me wrong- I KNOW people want to help.  I KNOW they're just trying to be nice.  I know every time they tell me that it will all be okay and God will provide and something will come up and my random pointless job experience and degree aren't actually useless... I KNOW they mean well.
And I KNOW that God WILL provide for me.
But good heavens, would it hurt us to sometimes just give people a hug and not ask them the same 18 questions every week? Or at least listen to the answers they give??
Again, I do truly realize no one is trying to upset me, or offend me, or be unkind.
I guess you just don't realize how empty words can be sometimes until you're on the receiving end of them in the midst of a tough time.
One dear woman told me she realizes that this is a hard thing to go through and that I'm at a bit of a disadvantage, but she'll be praying for me.
THAT. That is the most helpful thing I've heard since returning from Malawi.

And so I wait.
Patiently or impatiently, I wait.
I cuddle with my kitten, I visit friends, I enjoy family, I eat and get fat...
And wait.
And fill out applications.
And wait.
wait.



Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Psalm 27:14

2 comments:

  1. "And now, oh Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you." -- psalm 39. praying for you, friend. If it helps, this was encouraging for me to read. Funny how God uses all things for our good. Not all things are good, but He's got 'em. He's got you.
    (also, sad I missed you in Clinton the other day)

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  2. Wow, do I know how you feel, Allison!!! I've been basically in the same boat.

    I guess the first year or two back from Malawi is hard for everyone, student or teacher.

    I'm sorry it's rough.

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