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Sometimes, I get these feelings. These pit-of-my-stomach-sorta-nervous feelings.  My heart feels a little fluttery, and I get this excited little jumpy feeling.  It's weird.  I can't ever tell exactly why.  But it always means something is coming.  I know it sounds silly.  But it's big. It's a big feeling.  I got it when I realized I was coming here.  I got it when I first realized Jesus loved me.  I got it when I was a little girl who didn't understand completely, but knew God was calling her to love His people. I have it today. I don't know what's coming.
I read this blog today. It was a random impulse thing- I saw someone share it on facebook. I don't even know who shared it. I don't know the girl who wrote it.  I know nothing about her. It took every tiny shred of self control I've ever had to not cry through my free class today.
Basically, I realized something.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love Jesus. I really do. But...how often do I say that and...do nothing?  I mean, I know I'm a missionary and all.  I know that should probably mean I'm all fulfilled and happy and following Jesus and reading my Bible and praying and loving orphans and giving all my money away and blah blah blah blah blah.
So...news flash- this life is HARD.  And sometimes I'm unhappy.  And most of the time I'm really selfish.  I want my own room, my own time, my own space, my own life, my own friends, etc.  And seriously, don't give me all this crap about "you are doing such a good thing, dont be so hard on yourself".  Jesus didn't call me to do good things.  Jesus called me to love him with reckless abandon, to sacrifice everything to him, to feed his sheep. To care for the unloved and forgotten, to give everything up. To grab the nearest method of torture (take up your cross) and follow him.  To leave behind friends and family if necessary.  To realize that HE IS EVERYTHING.  To have all the world offers plus Jesus is no better than having Jesus plus nothing.  I mean, seriously.  This stuff is serious!  Jesus' teachings aren't easy all the time.  And how often do I apply those hard ones to my life? Wouldn't I rather just "love my neighbor" in some vague and unspecified way?
I've been so focused on myself.  I don't want to do this, I do want to do this, what do I want when I go home, blah blah blah...  I mean, it's not all about me, ya know?  But it's as if I didn't know that sometimes.  I think I'm rambling... but...well... it's my blog.  And I need to get all these things out.  But I know this:
Something has to change. Something is already changing.  The feeling is there.  I know this is the beginning of something new and big.  He's making me new. He's restoring and refreshing me.  He's calling me to himself, and I can do nothing but respond.  Love like that doesn't allow for anything else.
I don't know what adventure is coming next.  It might be living in Columbus. It might be coming back here.  I don't know.  And I don't know if I'm ready for it.  I am pretty terrified, if I'm honest.   Life is really scary sometimes.  This whole big adventure is usually more than I bargained for.  And sometimes I love that, and sometimes I hate that.  But man...my God is big. So big.  He loves me so much.  I mean, he really really does.  And although I know that in my head, today I feel it. I feel it all over.  I can't explain. I can't make sense of all of it.  I realize the something big coming may not be "good".  But my God is Good.  No matter what.  And though that is somewhat hollow coming from me in a mostly happy time in my life, I trust he's faithful to reveal himself and his will to me. And with the father I read about in the gospels, I pray in faith, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief." Lord, I surrender; help my selfishness.  Lord, I trust; help my fear.  Lord, I will go; help my unwillingness.  Oh, and He will!  I know he will.  I know he'll finish the incomplete mess I am.  To Him be glory, forever.